Not Letting Fear Grab Me By My Balls

By Phillip Capper from Wellington, New Zealand (Sam meets Moominmama, 3 November 2005) [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Sleep per Day: (Target) 7h30m / day (Actual) 7h11m  / day (30 day average)

Everyday I wake up very content with life.

But that doesn’t mean I still don’t have fears.

But most of my fears seems to all originate from one source, which is a lack of money.

I fear going homeless again… because of lack of money.

I fear seeing my savings account go zero again… because of lack of money.

I fear having to living a life that isn’t authentic again… because of lack of money.

I fear having close ones reject me asking for help financially again… because of lack of money.

I fear having to go hungry because I can’t afford 3 meals a day again… because of lack of money.

I fear having to rely on or interact with people I absolutely despise again… because of lack of money.

I fear having someone feel they have a right to dictate how I live my life again… because of lack of money.

I fear having to feel hopeless, knowing if I fuck up I ain’t going to have a safety net again… because of lack of money.

And there seems to be central themes that surrounds this fear of lack of money, which are safety and optionality.

Both of these disappear at the same time once I lack money, and both I treasure a lot considering my experiences in life.

But sometimes I think I lose direction or miss out due to my intense reluctance to spend money. The accumulation of wealth is for safety and optionality, not for the sake of accumulation of wealth.

And optionality itself entails that I get to make friends or experience things spontaneously, which doesn’t have to be delayed by the time I can obtain full optionality after financial freedom.

So I’ve been trying to add spontaneity to my life. My best friend’s going to Muse concert? Sure I’ll join. I really want to volunteer? Join the charity the Saturday immediately after sending off an application email. I want to watch a movie? Just travel to closest cinema that has the movie.

But these are just baby steps.

My next crazy experiment to push myself out of my comfort zone is to travel to Shanghai alone (something I fear) around Sept 26th by overnight train (something I fear doing alone as well), go attend Wang Feng’s concert, field ride with my colleagues in Shanghai and just do a lot of walking, eating, singing, rapping, thinking, and reading.

Traveling alone has always been something I’ve always wanted to do (keep getting inspired by 2 friends of mine who keep doing it) but have always never had the courage to pursue myself. But those days are gone.

And I think to get myself into a position to feel comfortable to do crazy things like this, I’m going to allow myself to use half a month’s salary every year to splurge on experiences I would otherwise not even think about doing considering my intense reluctance to spend money.

*P.S. [Aug 6th 2015] Just an update, I won’t be able to go to my Shanghai trip since I have a department team building workshop on Aug 28th and a Muse concert (Hong Kong) on Aug 31st, which means if I’m going to attend Wang Feng’s concert on the 29th I will only have less than 2 days in Shanghai, which defeats the whole purpose of backpacking to explore a city alone.

That being said, the money will just stay in my Regret Averse Fund and for other crazy ideas I want to try in the future.

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