Opening Pandora’s Box

By F.S. Church. [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

I realize there are things that still make me profoundly sad, and that shocked me considering how much Stoic calm has been part of me over the past year.

So a few things were brought up during the past few conversations I’ve had:

  • Almost no one ever asks me if I want to hang out or have lunch / dinner
  • Numerous reasons that led to me rarely disclosing how I really feel
  • The effect that the lady I led to Christ ending up committing suicide had on me
  • The near miss moments where I almost did commit suicide
  • At my time of need, how family was not family and how non-family was family
  • The anxiety of how my relationships will change in dynamic in the near future
  • The realiziation that time is really ticking now

Almost no one ever asks me if I want to hang out or have lunch / dinner

Memory is always fallible, but there’s only three people of all the people who also live in Hong Kong that I know who really proactively out of the blues asks me if I want to hang out or have lunch / dinner. That’s out of the 286 Facebook friends I have left from the original 550+ that have remained based on the simple criteria of we both would be willing to meet up if we’re nearby.

And that’s sad. Like really sad.

I mean, sure, I know that in life, the person who wants it more should take action, but when only 1% of your real friends that you still keep in touch with finds you to meet up rather than the other way around, it does hurt I must say. There is such a small statistical chance that it’s my friends’ problem when it’s such a drastic % of a relatively large sample size. Statistically it seems like I’m the problem.

Either I’m not approachable or I’m just never top of mind. I really don’t know the answer.

I don’t know, I’m just really hurt even though I shouldn’t be. Anyhow, I’m going to keep finding people to meet up because relationships are too important for me.

Numerous reasons that led to me rarely disclosing how I really feel

This really hurt as well.

Sure you can always say that having an introverted personality probably contributes to the tendency of rarely disclosing how I really feel (I almost never share publicly my successes, failures, happiness or sadness).

But I think it’s just the numerous times where I was feeling really down and I try to find someone to talk to, and then there’s just many cases where the person wasn’t the right person to talk to.

Majority of the cases are that the person I end up finding actually is feeling really down too, so I for some reason end up usually being the counseling role or I can’t even find that person at all as he / she is just not responding, with the latter being more common than not.

Another example is when someone offers to lend their shoulders to listen to you, but when you do share you realize it was just lip service and so you end up just never bothering to share since you won’t be taken seriously.

And another reason why I end up rarely disclosing is as an INFJ, emotions are very volatile. I could be feeling very down at one moment and then feel completely fine the next moment. So sometimes I don’t even bother to share because based on experience the feeling would expire soon anyways.

All in all this has led to the rather unhealthy habit of almost always processing emotions by myself.

The effect that the friend I led to Christ ending up committing suicide had on me and the near miss moments where I almost did commit suicide

For me, the reasons for disbelief are three-fold (one is purely emotional, one is half emotional half rational, and one is purely rational), but when I was recalling what happened to the friend I led to Christ who ended up committing suicide, I just knew at that moment that there must be at some level an effect of my friend’s suicide on my faith.

There just has to be.

And the reason I was recalling that episode of my life was because I was sharing with a friend how for those who are in depression and end up committing suicide, there’s not much you can do but just do your best to show care.

At the end of the day, objectively speaking, one person’s effect in preventing someone’s suicide is only so limited. This comment from my counselor was what really got me out of the self-induced guilt of feeling like there was blood on my hands when I absolutely could see that my friend was having smiling depression but I didn’t do much to care for fear of her thinking I was showing intentions beyond friendship.

Speaking from experience, I just remember how there were quite a few moments where just by pure luck, someone showed care and I stopped the thought of suicide when I was about to do or commit to anything serious.

I count my blessings everyday since being alive today and doing well is absolutely not taken for granted.

But those conversations really made me re-live those emotions, and it wasn’t pretty.

At my time of need, how family was not family and how non-family was family

Another topic that was brought up which I rarely like to think about are those moments when I was absolutely broke (had $7.18 in my bank account left) because I only planned to self-fund my tertiary education for the original 3 years, but ended up realizing I need to extend it for 1 more year for job hunting as I realized I wanted to do B2B marketing too late for my final year’s job hunting season.

I won’t delve too much into the details, but let’s just say that experience really changed my perception of what it means to be family, and who are really the most important people in my life.

But it just reminds me that forgiveness is never an one-off thing, it’s a continuous thing that you have to commit to yourself to do. And I just can’t.

The fear of how my relationships will change in dynamic in the near future

One of my biggest fears has always been this picture I had that I got from a prayer when I was still a Christian. It was me at 40-50 years old, sitting on a throne-like chair, with lots of success and wealth, but very alone.

To this day, this picture haunts the shit out of me because that’s absolutely not what I want in life.

As much as I admire the Steve Jobs or Elon Musks of the world, I absolutely don’t admire how they were as fathers. I’m not saying I want to be a father (I actually really don’t want to be), but when I look at them I always think to myself that sure they’ve achieve such extraordinary achievements in life, but to what avail?

If all you have left in life is just your career, to me that’s a failure, not a success. If you ever lose a career you can always theoretically have the chance to rebound. But relationships? That’s a different ball game.

So if relationships are the end game for me, I really fear how my relationships will change in the near future, which is related to the last point.

The realiziation that time is really ticking now

For a certain reason that I still can’t disclose, time is really ticking. And that uncertainty of how the relationships I treasure will get affected by this event that’s going to happen really deep down bothers me.

So ya, I’ve had a lot of heavy emotions to process in the past few days (and maybe upcoming few days too), but all in all I feel much better after really giving my feelings some structure and capturing it.

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